I want to begin by saying that this article has sat in my drafts for close to two years now. It was drafted, edited but never published. I rationalised that perhaps, this was only the patriarchal-induced habit of two women. That it was unlikely to be much bigger than that. But it’s as the saying goes: once is a chance, twice is a coincidence, third time is a pattern. But what makes over half a dozen?
So, I transport you to over a year and a half ago. A friend and I are having coffee on our lunch break, and amidst the casual string of chitchat the topic of workplace communication finds itself sprawled out on the table. More specifically, how the use of language differed between the men and women of our office. As we delved deeper — and to our own horror — we discovered a plethora of situations in which both of us had been adjusting our communication. A question is immediately brought forward. How often are we, women, curating our language in order to not come across in a certain way in the workplace?
The cogs officially begin to turn, curiously, incessantly and immensely. As I begin to reflect on my own history, I uncover an abundance of adjustments that I wasn’t aware I was making. In a matter of moments, I am rereading messages and emails, realising that I was – and am – unknowingly softening myself.
And just as there’s no putting the worms back in the can, I could not shake this concept. So, over the space of a year and a half, I throw this observation atop cafe tabletops with many of my kindred women. To my shock, there is a collective agreement. That they too feel the need to soften themselves in the workplace. And it’s as my heart is sinking into frustration and sadness, that I realise that this is more commonplace than I had originally thought. It’s with this, that I explain the idea of ‘softening’ yourself. Hear me out on this.
It started with a single word. Just.
“I was just wondering …”
“I just need…”
“Could you just..”
A pattern is quickly rising to the top of my metaphorical pot. What I find most frustrating about this seemingly simple word is the reason for its place in my communication. It exists in these emails, direct messages and verbal communication because it’s a softener. Its aim is to solely remove any chance of me coming across as too harsh, rude or demanding to the receiver; and it simultaneously adds a layer of doubt to my point or request.
The culprits continue with would and could. Now there’s nothing inherently wrong with these words. But it’s why I’m adding them to my communication that gets me asking questions. Consider this:
“Would you be able to send me..”
“After looking at the numbers, you need to…”
The biggest difference between these two sentences? The tone in which they are communicated. The latter, without beating around the bush, doesn’t sound as polite as the former. But here’s the kicker, after observing the men of the office, they aren’t opting for option one, they’re going straight for two. So why am I, and so many of the women I know, opting for the former? And how often are we finding ourselves apologising and questioning ourselves?
It’s time to introduce a language of workplace communication that doesn’t doubt us but serves us.
Stop apologising, start thanking.
“Thank you for letting me know” or “thank you for the flag”, instead of, “sorry that was my mistake”.
“Thank you for waiting”, instead of, “sorry I’m late”.
Stop questioning yourself, start having your own back.
“Let me know if you have any questions”, instead of, “Does that make sense?”.
“We need to…”, instead of, “I think we should maybe”.
Finally, I impart the advice I gave to my friend all those moons ago. When in doubt, what would the most privileged of men do? If they wouldn’t say it that way, well, there’s probably no need for you to either.
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