We need to talk. Quite literally; because somewhere along the line society decided that “ghosting” is the new norm. This week I take a look into why people ghost, what it says about us and how we can do better.
I’m not going to lie, I used to ghost left, right and centre. It was easy, no fuss and they got the idea pretty quickly. Looking back, it was the lazy way out.
Insert the moment my path crossed with an individual who was a walking red flag. We’re talking the big guns — a projector of insecurity, controlling and all sorts of wrong. The kicker sat in the fact that he came with a glowing recommendation.
We digress, I eventually realised how incredibly awful this human being was and like clockwork, ghosted him. But he was eager and insisted on my reasoning. At first, I didn’t have the heart to tell him how backwards he was so I threw in an oldie but a goodie, “it’s not you, it’s me”. But why was I taking the blame? To avoid hurting his toxic feelings? Enough was enough. So naturally, I sent him a brief but concise analysis of that which was concerningly wrong with him, with my kindest regards of course. Too much? The next woman can thank me.
I’ve held the situationship break-up to a higher standard ever since.
So why do we ghost people?
It all starts with the situationship. You’re not officially together, but you’re past the ever-lingering talking stage. God forbid you give the other person the respect of breaking things off the way you would with a partner because that would mean you were taking it seriously. Rule number one of the game, play it ‘cool’ always — exhibit everything that is casual, laid-back and easy-breezy. Under no circumstances should you show how interested you are. After all, caring opens you up to having your feelings hurt and we can’t have that. When did we become so scared? When did we start emotionally bubble-wrapping ourselves? How do we end the constant cycle of games?
I have a theory. As a generation that – for the most part – has grown up online, our ability to communicate has ultimately suffered. We are immersed in social media, the screen and the safety of our virtual presence. Situationships lie in the space between our virtual and actual selves, and people jump between each side as they see fit. Wake up and can’t be bothered with them today? Hello to the virtual self that “hasn’t gotten to their phone” in two days. The weekend comes and feel up for a date? The actual self shows up smiles and all. When we ghost, we merely jump to our virtual selves and Ctrl + Alt + Delete the entire situation. Literally.
So why do we ghost people? Because we host the inability to confront a situation that requires uncomfortable communication. We like the shield that our virtual presence provides, and with no accountability, we don’t need to leave our comfort zones.
Has new age dating really come to this? Are we that socially inept? Surely we’ve all matured enough to have a conversation. Knowing all that we do in today’s day and age, ghosting someone as a full-fledged adult speaks volumes of the individuals who choose to take this path and their character. The wimp’s way out.
As I draw this to a close, the only real way out of this predicament is unpeeling the bubble wrap our generation has come to rely upon. And finally…
Don’t be a dick.